A LIKELY TALE by Marian Hussenbux   Is there a monster in Loch Ness? If you live in the area as I do, you get rather bored with the question and, of course, you hear lots of answers, ranging from "Yes, there is!" to "Never!"  But if you're asking me, I'd have to be very vague and say that I really don't know. In my travels round here, I've sometimes thought I saw a head or a neck coming up to the surface, making me feel the legend was true, but it's always turned out to be a log or something.   One foggy morning, a huge mass loomed up at the far end of the lake and for a minute, my hopes rose, I really would like there to be a monster here! But on closer inspection, I saw that it had a name written on its side - "Highland Lassie" - so I realised it was only a boat.   Apparently, people are so inspired by the story that there are some who even create monsters themselves and take blurred photographs of them to sell to the newspapers. So far, no hoax has been very successful, as far as I know.  Last month, a more scientific experiment was made. I'd noticed a helicopter circling over the lake on several occasions and seen people with binoculars and cameras looking out as the craft descended. I wonder what they've seen, I thought to myself. It turned out that I wasn't the only one to wonder, as around the lake, people started to talk about monsters yet again.   'There's a big something, lurking in the depths,' I heard one man say to his wife. (Well, I think she was his wife; there's no way of knowing, really.)   'Have you seen it, George?'   'No, but those men in the helicopter have.'   'You'll believe anything, won't you? Anyone can tell you anything.' She sounded very stern, so he said quickly:   'Well, I suppose there's no proof, dear.'   'Quite.'   End of conversation.   'It's a scientific group from Aberdeen University,' said one lady to her friend. 'Doing some research for a thesis.'   'A thesis on lakes, or fish or monsters?' asked the other person.   'On strange life-forms, I think.'   'Indeed. Very interesting.'   I could tell the lady didn't find it interesting really. People seem to like to laugh at each other's theories.  The university group set up boards at the water-side and displayed a set of photos for our information. It certainly caused some interest. People seemed to come from nowhere - like that mysterious monster! - to stare at them and scrutinise the fuzzy images - there you are, these were blurred too - and even to twist their necks to look sideways at them.  Many of them were desperate to see something monstrous in the pictures.   'There you are, there's a tail!'   'It could be a tree-trunk.'   'Or a railway-sleeper.'   'I'm sure those are legs, with feet like a swan's.'   'Yes, I see what you mean. Just.'   I realised the group was really serious when they hired a boat to get a closer look. This is nothing new. People are always doing it. They come away very disappointed.   'I really like this place!' said one scientist. 'Monster or no monster, it's so haunting.'   Even among scientists, you find poets. I'm not at all surprised when I hear folk say how they love Loch Ness, its mysterious, misty waters. I love it, too. In fact, I don't think I could live anywhere else.   Local people always have mixed feelings about these visitors and their theories. On the one hand, they bring in money; lots of people benefit, from those with boats to hire to hotel-owners, to shopkeepers selling film. But there are some problems. It's a bit irritating when they swarm all over and you have to listen to them discussing things they know nothing about. 'The monster is the ancient spirit of this lake,' some say. Am I being too critical? I suppose it's because I'm local and so I hear this all the time.   The boat excursions continued. Many photos were taken, measurements made, depths sounded. Two divers spent some time floating about, pointing at pieces of rubble, examining dark masses and eventually resurfacing with nothing to show for it.  The part of the lake where they were is the shallower one. I prefer the other end, where it is deeper and more beautiful. I supposed they would move into this area next. I wasn't too bothered about their disturbing the peace of the place. Loch Ness is big enough for everybody. Anyway, they seemed pleasant enough.   The boat was approaching. The divers went back into the water. I'm not sure how much you feel the cold in those rubbery suits, but the water is freezing all the year round. My little brother and sister complain, but I tell them not to be soft. It's nice and fresh, I say. But they never seem convinced.   Suddenly, a shout rang out:  'There's some huge ripples circling over there! Look! Signal to the divers!'   Those divers are on some sort of line, which the others tug to point them in the right direction. The two heads surfaced and they talked to the men on the boat. Yes, they were all men - they have the best jobs, don't they?   Those two bobbing heads looked rather funny, almost like seals. The kids found them hilarious, anyway, but it doesn't take much to amuse them.  The boat was moving into the really deep waters and the voices became clearer.   'You're never going to believe this!'   One of the divers had removed his mouthpiece and was nearly choking in his excitement.  'It's very murky down there and we're churning it up even more, but I'm pretty sure I've seen not just one creature, but three!'   The other diver said:  'One big mass, slow moving, and possibly two more, smaller, darting around.'   'Can we get them to surface, do you think? We need good photos.'   'How? We're probably driving them deeper.'   Then one of the boatmen, possibly the one who'd said how "haunting" the lake was, made a surprising suggestion.  'How about using bait, like fishermen do? What do they like to eat?'   After a pause, when the others might have been wondering if he'd gone mad, someone said:  'How would anyone know that?'   'Well, I've got my sandwiches with me - egg and tomato. I'm going to try to tempt these things up to the surface.'   There was silence. I suppose nobody knew what to say.  But I was so interested in his idea, that I felt I had to get a look at the speaker.  With my usual grace, I circled their boat, the kids tagging on behind, complaining, and glided up to the surface.   I won't tell you what they said - I'm rather a shy girl and blush to think of it - but it's enough to say they were very surprised to see the three of us!   I'm still doubtful about those monster stories, though. Seeing is believing and I've seen nothing yet!   Copyright reserved. 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Marian Hussenbux can be contacted at LMHUSSENBUX@cs.com