OVER THERE by Ernest Ford   Jim Walsh and his wife had just been transported by holiday flight from Lancashire to Hollywood, thanks to winning a competition held by his local travel agent. Excited at wanting to see everything about the place, he left his wife to unpack, whilst he trod light heartedly along one avenue after another until he finally discovered that he was lost. "Oh heck! I wished that I'd waited until tomorrow, to find out about the place," he said to himself. Further along the road he noticed a handyman mending a dry stone wall. "Hey, thee," he uttered before realising that these Yanks wouldn't know what thee meant. "Er, excuse me" he offered in his telephone English. The man turned around and gave a laugh as he began to speak. "It's alright lad. You've no need to put on airs and graces for me." The Lancashire twang coming from the Americans mouth took Jim by surprise. "You can talk proper after all." Jim laughed and threw his cap into the air. "I should do," said the handyman. "I came from Wigan only two years ago. And where has tha come from?" "Not far from thee" said Jim. "Bolton to be precise." "You know, him that I work for is a millionaire and he was Lancashire bred" explained the handyman. "He's what they call eccentric. He keeps man-eating crocodiles in his pool." "Give over," said Jim. "Hey up! I think that he's coming over here." "Hello" said the millionaire. "Are you a sightseer?" When he heard Jim answer back in his Lancashire accent, well Jim could have had anything. "I'm having a party" he said. "Will you join us?" Jim looked across an expanse of land larger than a golf course and noticed a crowd four-deep stood around the pool. Being the guest of honour Jim was forced to the front, next to the millionaire who operated a lever to allow a massive crocodile into the pool in sight of everyone. "Listen everyone" he announced. "I'll give anything anyone wants, who is brave enough to enter the pool with the crocodile." Instantly a cry of excitement went up as Jim thrashed through the water hotly pursued by the crocodile. The water seemed to be on fire as the brave Lancastrian zoomed across the pool and jumped safely onto land before the jaws of the beast could snap shut. Everyone was amazed. The millionaire rushed across to the other side wringing his hands with pride that a little Lancashire man should be the one to show such bravery. "Well done, well done." He patted the back of a dripping Jim. "I will keep my promise. You can have anything you want. What is it, a car, yacht, aeroplane? You mention and you've got!" "Not any of those at all" Jim answered looking uneasy in his wet suit. "But I'll tell you what I do want." Jim was offered and accepted a towel. "I want the name of that bugger who pushed me in!"   Copyright reserved. No part(s) of these publications may be reproduced, transmitted, transcribed, stored in a retrieval system, or translated into any language in any form by any means without the written permission of the author.

Ernest Ford can be contacted at ernie@ernestford.fsnet.co.uk