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Copyrights reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on 'Copyrights' and read the details. A Long Drive by Katherine Darlington He didn't want to make the drive to the ranch but I had begged him to do it just one more time. Thane sat stiff and straight, his left arm near the window and his right arm on the wheel. I wasn't sure if I should talk or just listen to the radio station; 99.3 FM, I believe. Suddenly I wished I hadn't suggested going to the ranch because Thane hated it. He complained about not having electricity, he hated the dust, and the ranch made his allergies worse. This man complained about everything and asking him to accompany me to my grandfather's old house was only asking for more heartache. Lately, thinking about Thane made my stomach turn and twist. If I thought about our future it made me even sicker. We were married three laborious years. It was my fault, all my doing, because I had begged him to marry me like I begged him to drive me to the ranch. Like I couldn't drive alone and had to have him with me. Digging into my purse, I pulled out a tube of lip balm and slid it over my lips. Thane wouldn't want to give me even a small kiss because anything on my lips disgusted him, like I put it on to make him mad, but my lips chapped a lot and so I used lip balm. What was wrong with that? We had left Albuquerque and headed north toward Bernalillo, Bloomfield, and finally Aztec. Durango wasn't far now. Taking a quick drink of water from my plastic cup, I was careful not to spill anything. Thane eyed me cautiously, checking my drinking capabilities. I pretended not to notice. There were a couple of granola bars in my purse but I knew Thane would prefer that I eat one when we stopped for gas in Aztec. Heaven help me if I spilled something in the car. Perhaps I could remind Thane that we were taking my car on the trip and if anything were spilled, I would clean it up. What I didn't tell him was that I drank soft drinks and water and ate junk food whenever he wasn't in this car with me, and I loved every minute of it. I slipped Thane a sideways glance as he started to massage his forehead. Geez! That meant he was getting a headache and that it was my turn to drive. Fine, I would love to drive. "Headache?" I asked in a sweet voice. Habitually, I pulled out the little bottle of pills from my purse. Two Sudafed, one allergy pill. The Sudafed would make him hyper and the allergy pill would make him drowsy. Without another word I handed him the arsenal, adding an aspirin for good measure. He swallowed the medicine without thanking me. As Thane pulled into Jeb's Gas Station, I felt a pang of guilt. It wasn't like Thane wanted to get headaches. I felt sorry for him but it was getting old; him being in pain and me fixing it with a few pills. It's just that I wanted excitement; fun. I wanted us to be able to do something on the spur of the moment; just because. Thane's headache equaled another passionless night. Maybe I'd get a headache and see if he'd hand me any little pills. I doubted it! August was nearly over, and the days were cooler here. It had just rained, leaving a clean scent all around us. As Thane put gas into the car, I walked around to the driver's side. I smiled at Thane, hoping to get just a little beam out of his preoccupied face. Soon he'd be telling me all the things he was behind on at work because he had to come with me to the stupid ranch, just so I could see my old horse. Wasting his time was what I was doing; never mind. I didn't want to smile any more. Thane was getting me deranged. I resented him. I resented us! Starting the engine, I waited until Thane buckled his seat belt and meticulously wiped his hands with the baby-wipes he placed in each of our vehicles. I tapped my fingers nervously on the steering wheel. Cracking his knuckles and stretching his neck, Thane let out a few sighs before settling back in the seat. That was my cue; I could go now. When did things start to sour? I pulled onto the two-lane road as I noticed a blue bird land in a pine tree. I would be accurate to say that the relationship started to ferment before we got married. Now our relationship was at the drunken stage: out of control, angry, and tired. All I wanted to do now was sleep. This wasn't right, though. Shifting into third gear, I crawled up the mountain road as we crossed from New Mexico to Colorado. "You're grinding the gears," commented Thane, half-asleep. "Watch what you're doing, Annie." Gripping the steering wheel tightly, I refused to say anything back. "Why did I do this?" I whispered to myself. "I should have never come up here with him." To my right the Animas River meandered below like a long ribbon. I remembered fishing with my dad, years ago. Fishing and camping was a lot of fun, but I stopped all that when Thane and I started dating. His business suits and my blue jeans didn't seem to match up quite right. Swallowing, I felt a hard ball press into my throat. Sadness consumed me. I wanted to fish and camp again. Maybe that's why I wanted to see my old horse so much. Being with Toby was like embracing a part of the old me. Buried somewhere, I had to exist. Maybe I could unfold the person I used to be. Maybe! Wait! We did go camping together once; at my cousin's cabin, I remembered sleeping on old cots. Thane had constantly complained. His complaining was softer then, less noisy. By the next morning Thane said he heard a cicada buzzing around and he didn't sleep all night. That was our only "campout" together and it never got close to romantic. I guess I had too much lip balm on, and there were too many cicadas, or something. So what if the ranch house was deserted? A little bit of dusting and it was as good as new. Shifting the car to fourth gear, I watched a handsome man with bronze hair pass my car. I would have welcomed a smile but he didn't see me. Sighing, I didn't need to look at Thane to know he was asleep by now. Our short marriage was growing longer by the second. My throat was getting tighter as we headed closer to Durango. The air was thinner up here. What happened to the man of my dreams? He never came into my life and I compensated with what I thought were brains and education. Thane hadn't been the romantic kind, and would have never danced to an old Victrola with a scratchy old record playing. However, he was stable, and secure. Give me back the victrola and I'd take it. Wiping a tear from my eye, I sat taller in the driver's seat as Durango appeared in a green hollow, to my left. I was almost home. I imagined a husband sitting at my side, eager to see the place I called home. "I used to ride my bike up this road, can you imagine?" I'd say to my imaginary spouse and he'd kiss my lips, loving the taste of them. Shaking my head, I knew that it would never happen. What was wrong with me? Why did it take me so long to realize that I was rotting? Maybe Thane was rotting, too. He didn't have a hearty laugh any more. He was ecstatic once, talking to me about computer programming and I had listened as though I was truly interested. I had never been interested and was just being nice. Somehow, everything wound itself into a knot, lies were built on lies, and now everything was entangled. Like a wild animal, I was trapped and struggling to be free. I felt alarmed, slighted, and alone. If I broke free where would I go? If I stayed, would I shrivel into nothingness? It started to drizzle so I turned on the windshield wipers. The smell of wood smoke filled the car and I thought of someone curled next to a fireplace, sipping hot chocolate, and preparing early for autumn. "Doesn't that smell good?" I asked Thane. Thane opened his eyes. "Yeah, I guess." He looked out the window. "You need to make the wipers go faster, Annie." "They're fine," I said, although I was just about to turn them to a higher speed before Thane had spoken. Defiant, I watched the rain pound harder against the windshield. "You want us to wreck, Annie?" Thane said, louder. "Turn it up, Annie." He reached across the seat and flipped the wiper motor to high. Feeling my face flush, I flipped the motor back to low. "Would you leave it alone?" I yelled. "Can't you leave me alone?" I felt a chill. "I refuse to stay at the ranch with you acting like such a jerk." Thane said, flipping the radio off. "There's no way I'm staying with you now. You're on your own." He paused, waiting for me to say I was sorry. I knew I could talk my way out of this one, and he would give in and go to the ranch with me. Then I thought about his complaining, and how nothing at the ranch would be right for him. I imagined myself next to the warm wood stove, watching deer press close together in the apple orchard as rain gently fell. Without hesitation, I pulled into a hotel parking lot. By the looks of the hotel it wasn't even nice, but I didn't care. "Get out," I said, looking straight at Thane. "I'm going by myself. Just get out." "What?" Dumbfounded, Thane gaped at me with a deer-in-the-headlight look. "What the hell are you talking about?" "I don't want you at the ranch with me. Get out." I reached around the driver's seat and pulled out our overnight bag. Pulling out a handful of clothes, I shoved the leather bag into Thane's lap. "It's yours. Goodbye." Laughing nervously and shaking his head, Thane continued to stare at me. "You don't know what you're talking about, Annie." He paused. I didn't say a word. "If you want me to get out of the car now, we're over. The relationship is finished." "Fine with me," I said. "Now get out!" I reached into my purse and threw the bottle of pills at Thane. Thane's red face twisted angrily and he flung open the car door. "You're going to regret doing this." He slammed the door. This wasn't like me, leaving Thane. It was wrong, indecent, and cruel. I backed out of the parking spot and left Thane standing in a mud-puddle, his hair wet and sticking to his neck. His jacket was still in the back seat of the car and I started to stop, give him the jacket, and apologize but as I gazed at Thane through the rear-view window I realized that I had a leg out of the trap. The car screeched as I jerked it forward. My heart hammered against my chest as I kept driving. Rain gently fell now, as I pulled onto my grandfather's property. I should have brought my gloves, I thought, as I dashed onto the covered porch, searching for the house key. It was always kept hidden behind a wrench on the wall. Taking the key, I opened the front door. The familiar smell of coal stroked my senses. I looked around the old kitchen. A thin layer of dust covered a small, wooden table. The wood stove still sat in one corner of the living room, and I swear I could hear it calling me. There were a few pieces of wood and coal in a bin next to the stove so I began the task of lighting the stove. I didn't think it would burn at first. After awhile, it slowly began to flame until it became a warm blaze. The house became warm. What would I do now? I placed my numb hands over the stove. I didn't know where I would live or what I needed to do next. No one was telling me how to make the fire, or grumbling about dust. Smiling, enchanted by my boldness of leaving Thane, I stood near the stove until every part of me was warm and I couldn't remember what cold felt like. Then I dusted off an ancient record and placed it on the old Victrola, the one that had sat beneath the living room window for as long as I could remember. I turned its handle and listened to an old, familiar tune. I spun around and danced for a long time. When the dance was over I felt very much alone, but unafraid. It was better dancing alone, at least for awhile. I opened the wood stove and tossed in a few pieces of coal. Then I took my wedding band and dropped it on top of the fire, closed the door and went to the wood shed for more fuel. THE END
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