Copyrights reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on 'Copyrights' and read the details.Attack of the horned heathens from hell by J. G. Fabiano There is little in this world more enjoyable than a summer garden that is just about ready to give you its bounty. After months of preparing, planting, watering, and weeding the garden is finally about to give you payment for all your labors but, every now and then there is an enemy to be reckoned with. A few years back the Japanese beetle population exploded thus decimating anything green. Those 'sons of beetles' were everywhere and seemed to evolve into becoming immune to any poison known to mankind. Then there were the voles that made your yard look like a metropolitan highway system boring under the garden and literally making it become one big sink- hole. Over the past few years there have been few pests that attempted to eat its way into its own form of ecstasy. I don't know if this is because of weather or the tons of anti-bug fertilizer I have been dumping on my lawn. But, this year a new enemy appeared. It is large, green, and has many horns. It is as though this newest adversary is wearing a kind of protective green horn covered uniform ready to handle anything I can use to destroy it. I've heard horror stories about how whole tomato plants were destroyed because of these horned heathens from hell. First they go after the green leaves of the tomato plants but that just makes them stronger and larger. After this they take out whole bunches of the tomatoes that were meant to be put in our salads and sauces throughout the next few months. I thought I was immune to the problem. One day, as I weeded my garden I thought I heard a sound that sounded like 'clicks'. I ignored them at first but as I continued to clean my garden I noticed the sound was coming from one of my six tomato plants. Walking over to where they stood I noticed some top branches of the plants had no leaves on them and looked like someone or something plucked all the leaves off of them. At first I was confused but then I noticed another tell-tale sign my plants had been invaded. There were small piles of brown stuff that had fallen and were now on some of the leaves that were beneath the denuded top branches. For the next half-hour I desperately looked for the horned green invader that was attempting to put an end to my hopes of a record bounty. I knew the primary reason I grew a garden was to enjoy the scores of tomatoes that filled my sandwiches and salads well into the frost of November. Damned if I was going to let a green horned monster crush my hope for the ever popular BLT. Another problem with the horned monster from hell is it blends perfectly into the tomato plant. No matter how hard I looked I could not find the hungry aggressor. Then I again heard another click. Turning my head that was now literally inside the tomato plant I was face to face with one of the largest caterpillars I had ever seen. In fact, I found myself nose to nose with the monster staring into what I though were its eyes. It was so ugly it was almost cute. For a microsecond I felt some compassion for the trespasser. But, then I noticed what was left of a tomato between the jaws that I assumed was its mouth. The compassion left as soon as it appeared. This was war and I knew it. Now all I had to do was figure out how to get rid of it and any of its friends. I did not move for a couple of minutes daring not to take my eyes off the fiend. The caterpillar also decided not to move. I wonder if he or she thought I was one of the ugliest things it ever saw. I knew if I did I would in all probability not be able to find it again. I then remembered in my pocket was a pair of scissors I needed to harvest my eggplants. Without taking my eyes off the thing I reached into my pocket and removed my weapon of choice. In my mind's eye I could see me doing one of two things. I could cut it in half that would either produce two caterpillars or have its slimy green insides spray all over my face. Both of these options did not excite me. I then noticed there was one large horn at the end of its body. I wondered what would happen if I cut it off. Would it become immobilized or at least lose its appetite for my tomatoes. There was only one way to find out. I clipped off the horn I hope would at least slow down my newest of adversaries. I thought I was in OZ. Large droplets of water appeared on the end of the thing. They started to drip off and a new one appeared as soon as the old one dropped to the ground. Still staring at the green ogre I noticed its body looked as though it was melting. Drop after drop of water left the animal taking with it its shape and vitality. It was as though a bag full of water had sprung a leak. After a few minutes there was literally nothing left of the tomato eater. I thought I had won a great victory until I heard a click coming from another one of my tomato plants. For the next five hours I was clipping the horn that was on the end of every one of the soon to be deflated and defeated animals. I counted at least 12 caterpillars that deflated and then simply ceased to exist. Every time I thought I had eliminated the last one another click was sounded as if they wanted to show me their numbers and hoped this would make me give up. My wife looked out at the garden a couple of times wondering what the heck I was trying to do. Calling to her that I was saving the crop I noticed she just shook her head in disbelief and retreated into the house wondering if I had finally lost my mind. I think it was about 8:00 that evening when I thought I punctured my last foe. There were no clicks to be heard and after another few minutes of peering into the heart of my plants I decided to give up and begin my defense the next morning. That night I dreamt of my war with my newest of enemies. In fact, I found myself having to go to the bathroom most of the night. I just hoped no one had mistakenly cut off the horn at the end of me! The End.
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