Copyrights reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on 'Copyrights' and read the details.Beware of cats and planets By J. G. Fabiano All I remember was seeing white. In a panic I jumped out of bed wondering if I had just been attacked by the largest piece of lint known to mankind. It turned out to be my cat who decided to see if I was still alive by sitting on my face. When one's day starts out like this it usually means there are a few planets lined up in a way that makes the day go a bit odd. I am now a fervent believer in this hypothesis. The day was supposed to be a happy and busy one. We were going to a wedding in Massachusetts and had to be ready to leave by midday. Since it was only 7am my wife and I knew we had plenty of time. She basically planned everything. All I had to do was survive waking up. Earlier that month she bought me a brand new summer suit. The old one I had was from my first communion. She also bought me a new shirt and tie. At the time she asked me to try it on but since I was a bit too comfortable in my combination pajamas, bathing suit, and shorts I told her I would do it another day. I had a pair of shoes dating back to the disco era but since what comes around goes around these were once again in style. My wife also bought a beautiful outfit for herself. I think she had hopes we would be the best looking there. I knew she had a chance but as for me, well, reality does what reality is. Around 10:00 we decided to get ready for the wedding. After my wife laid my new suit and shirt on the bed she asked me to be careful. I asked her what I could possibly do to destroy a suit by putting it on. She just gave me a look and I quickly admitted precedence had been set. I carefully took the shirt out of its wrappings when I noticed a rather large piece of plastic stuck to the collar. I asked my wife what it was and all she could do was stare at it in disbelief. She then told me the clerk never took the anti-theft bar off the shirt. I told her to relax because how tough could it be to break the thing off my shirt. I thought I had been shot. The first thing that came to my mind was something I wrote in my last column must have really pissed someone off. The shirt, my hands, my t-shirt and underpants were covered in a red liquid I thought was blood. My wife screamed asking me why I had done such a thing and didn't I know these safety tags were filled with ink? All I could do was say, "no" and feel good about the fact I was still heading to a wedding instead of my own funeral. After cleaning up the mess I told my wife to relax and I would wear a new t-shirt I had bought years before that had ended up in the part of my drawers I rarely get to. She agreed and went back to getting herself ready for the wedding. Looking in the mirror after putting on the suit I noticed I looked like a little boy who was wearing his father's suit. My wife then walked out of the bathroom, looked at me in disbelief, and reminded me she asked me to try on the suit weeks before. The only thing left for me to do was admit she was right and slither down the stairs into the kitchen. Waiting downstairs attempting not to get into trouble I heard a blood-curdling scream up the stairs. Most of my neighborhood must have thought my wife was being murdered. I just stood there frozen hoping whatever it was had nothing to do with me. Running up the stairs I observed her staring at the jacket in dis-belief. When I asked what the problem was she reached out her arms and showed me the plastic tag the clerk at an entirely different store forgot to remove. Having a decent memory I decided not to break it in half. I told my wife I would return it to the store on the way to the wedding. We left about a half-hour later in order to make the stop at the store. When we got there I dropped my wife off at the grocery store in order to buy a card for the wedding. I was given the task of getting the tag off the jacket of her new outfit without ruining it. Walking innocently through the door I was stopped in my tracks by a loud siren like sound, lights flashing, and three rather large men running toward me. When the one in uniform approached me he demanded he see the receipt for the jacket. All I could do was look down at the man of who now looked like a little boy and asked him if he noticed I was walking into the store. He quickly retorted by whimpering, "oh yeah". I then noticed about ten other customers loudly laughing making sure I realized I would be the height of their day. The manager then took the jacket, removed the tag, and never asked for the receipt. Picking up my wife at the store I noticed she was a bit upset. When I asked where the card was she told me that particular store only had automatic checkout in their aisles marked under 14 items. She did not mind this but there was one particular customer who could not figure out how the thing worked. When this customer gave up the next could not figure out how the thing worked. Not wanting to play this game she put the card on the counter and left the store. Asking how the detachment of the tag went I just decided to say, "OK". After the planets decided to get back in order the rest of the day went OK. The wedding was nice and the reception was filling. At first we made plans to stay over-night but since it was still early we decided to go home. The motel did not mind this change of plans and the drive home, although, wet, wasn't that bad. When we finally arrived home we decided to go directly to bed. All I wanted to know was where the cat was. I just didn't need another day like the one I had just experienced. The End.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
