Copyrights reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on 'Copyrights' and read the details.Welcome to the year of the bees By J. G. Fabiano Every summer is defined by a pest. A few years ago I and most of my neighbors were plagued by an infestation of Japanese beetles. These little armored warriors ate most of my garden and almost destroyed everything that was green around my house. I defeated the ‘sons of beetles’ using the best of insecticides that caused a slight chronic twitch on the right side of my face. Another year was defined by moles that made my lawn look like Boston’s big dig. Nesting birds caused me to plant my garden late one year because their nests were in the middle of what was supposed to be my tomato patch. These birds worked in pairs to not only scare the hell out of me but also buzz past my head like Kamikaze pilots. I actually thought this would be a different type of year. Right through July an insect or rodent attack was not to be seen but then, one day as I was watering my garden, I felt a sharp pinch on one of my gluteus maxims. This was not a little pain. I jumped up hard, threw the hose to the ground thinking I was just struck by lightning and didn’t want anything to ground me, held my butt and looked around hoping not to see the monster that precipitated the attack. I saw nothing. All I know was something just took a chunk out of my ass and whatever it was it did it fast and escaped before I could see what it was. I ran into the house hoping my wife would tell me what it was that bit me. Knowing that looking at my butt would not be the highlight of her day, she did her wifely chores and told me that one side of my ass was bigger then the other. After a more careful examination she told me it looked like I had been stung by a bee. In my mind’s eye I knew the attack was over and the war was about to begin. After the swelling of the right side of my butt went down I decided to find the source of the killer bees. The first thing I did was get a can of insect spray from my favorite hardware store. I know the owner of the store still wonders how I survived the infestation of beetles. She wished me luck and told me she hoped she would see me again. I know she had her doubts. Even though it was 95 degrees outside I covered every part of my body with sweat shirts and sweat pants that are only seen in the depths of winter. I even found my winter scarf to cover most of my face. My body immediately became soaked in sweat bringing back memories of when I was young and wore a wet suit to stay warm in the ocean. The basic difference was I had no problem staying warm but soon would have a problem staying alive. With this in mind I walked out to my garden to find the source of my pain. After tearing through most of my garden thus eliminating the possibility of a good harvest I was disappointed because there was no nest to be found. I even dug under the squash plants in hopes of finding the primary base of the invaders. Knowing my body was self-destructing in heat exhaustion I crawled out of my garden and began to peel off the layers of clothes that were on to protect me. Sitting in the middle of my yard in my combination bathing suit, shorts, and pyjamas I felt something land on my arm. Looking down I saw a yellow-striped insect about the size of a pea. Before I could swipe it away it, like the previous attacker plunged its stinger deep into the flesh causing it to burn as though I just doused my arm in gasoline and lit it up. By the time I got into my house my right arm looked as though I was getting ready for a body building competition. After the swelling went down I decided to do what I did when I was attacked by the beetle menace. I drove back to my favorite Trustworthy Hardware Store and bought out most of their stock of flying insect killer. As I was checking out I noticed most of the employees in the store stared at me in hopes this would not be the time I finally did myself in. I did not care and bought enough insecticide to spray my entire garden with white gooey stuff in order to destroy the headquarters of the yellow-striped invaders. After I was done the deep emerald green of my garden was replaced by a scene that should have been seen in early February. Everything was white. My tomato plants looked like they just came out of a freezer, my bean plants drooped to the point I did not know where the plant ended and the ground began, and my once vibrant squash plants looked as though it was drowning in one giant bugger. At that point I knew I had won because anything that had life in the garden no longer had it. Once again I thought I had defeated the newest of invaders. As I walked back toward my house and had plans to burn all of my clothing I felt something land on my face. Before I had a chance to brush it off another sharp stinging pain engulfed my right cheek. Within seconds I looked like I was the hunchback of Notre Dames twin brother. My right eye closed and my upper lip looked as though it became attached to my right ear. The shocked expression on my wife’s face made it very clear the war was far from over and I had just lost my third battle. Waiting for my face to become human I sat on my deck leaning toward my left side because my right cheek still ached, contemplated becoming a lefty because my right arm didn’t work, and prayed I wouldn’t need plastic surgery in order not to scare every man, woman, and child I met I started to wonder if I was finally defeated. Then using my only good eye I noticed three of the yellow spitfires fly under my deck. I wondered if I had been attacking the wrong part of my property. Looking under the deck I was shocked to see the biggest bee hive I have ever seen. It was the size of a mid-sized dog house and was hidden under the rafters of my deck. Even though it hurt I smiled in the concept the war had not been lost and I had just found the ‘mother lode’ of hives. I found their home and it was in my destiny to destroy it. I immediately drove back to the hardware store at which time I scared the hell out of two small children and the owner of the store. She dared not asked me what happened because it looked like I would not live long enough to tell the whole story. I bought a half dozen canned insect spray that promised it could spray over 25 feet and kill 100 % of anything alive that came near it. Even though I knew it would hurt I smiled as I left the store and drove back to my house. The instructions on the can stated the best time to use the product was at dusk when the invaders were asleep. I did not want to wait that long because I wanted anything yellow and striped to become dead. I put two cans of spray in each pocket of my shorts. I must have looked like a gunslinger getting ready for the gun fight of my life. I put another two cans in my back pockets knowing I would need more firepower to destroy these bees from hell. I even placed the other two cans near just in case anything survived. I quietly walked to within 10 feet of the massive hive, drew my cans of death spray and opened fire on the unsuspecting fortress. Within seconds I emptied the two cans of spray onto the hive. I then threw them to the ground reached behind me and grabbed the other two cans. I then emptied those cylinders onto the nest wanting not only wanting to poison all that lived there but to also drown them just in case any of the invaders had a genetic glitch that made them not affected by the insecticide. Hell, I even grabbed the other two cans and soaked the hive to the point it became so heavy it fell from the rafter and landed on the ground like a wet sponge. It split wide opened showing hundreds if not thousands of the yellow striped invaders I had just defeated. Feeling a little groggy I slumped into a chair on my deck in celebration of the victory that just occurred. Right before I passed out hoping I would wake up I felt something on my lap. Looking down I observed a small grasshopper stare back at me as though it was telling me this year’s battles had just begun! The End.
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