Copyrights reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on 'Copyrights' and read the details.Everything new isn’t what it used to be By J. G. Fabiano I hate new! I hate having to get used to using something without being the one that makes it no longer new. The other day my wife bought a new wooden cutting board to put on our kitchen counter. She told me the board would save our knives and counter top. This made sense until I was preparing dinner. Since I teach and become a basic bum during the summer months and my wife continues to work her business. It is my job to take care of some of the domestic chores around the house. In other words, I become a kept man. I kind of like that. I brought in some broccoli out of our garden, washed it in order to get rid of as many of the little green bugs as I could that lived in the vegetable, and cut it into pieces so it would fit in the pot. As I held the flowers of broccoli in my hand I was literally afraid to put it on the cutting board because I did not know whether or not I was supposed to get the board wet. I remember my wife admonishing me about putting a glass on our wooden tables because it would leave a ring. So, it made perfect sense to me to not get the new cutting board wet. I lost a lot of blood that day trying to cut the vegetable as I held it in my hand. Shoes are another thing I hate wearing new. I love old shoes. You put them on, walk where you have to go, and basically forget about them until it is time to take them off. New shoes are a whole different story. First of all you have to be careful where you put them on so you don’t scuff their new appearance. Then all day long you have to be careful as to where you walk because a stray puddle or animal dropping would more then ruin something you never wanted to be new in the first place. There is nothing more comfortable then a new pair of pants and a brand new shirt. Throw in a new set of underwear and if you ever had to get dressed in heaven this is what you would be wearing. They make you feel good because you think you look new. The problem is you are afraid to move. If you could only stand in your bedroom for at least an hour feeling that feeling of new without having to face the world all would be perfect. All is never perfect. I once put on a new outfit only to discover I put a stain on the shirt. I didn’t have it buttoned up when I accidentally drooled on it. I once put on a new pair of pants and because I was going to school I put a pen inside the pocket. Needless to say that pair of pants never saw the light of another day. The only time I enjoy a new outfit is when it becomes old and I don’t have to worry about it ever having to look new again. A new car is the worse new thing to have. I hate the new car smell because I know I will be the first thing to drop something into the car to replace the new car smell with an old mint smell or some t-shirt that hasn’t seen the inside of a washing machine for at least a week. Plus who in their right mind would want to drive a new car. It is common knowledge as soon as you drive off the lot the car loses value. In my case it would probably lose more value because I would hit something or something would hit me. When we first bought our new car my wife asked me if I could not hit any puddles or debris in the road. When I told her I couldn’t even see the road I hit the deepest pot hole I can ever remember seeing. The hole was, of course, filled with water and mud. At least I think it was mud. The new car was never considered new after that and I was the one who caused it. In fact, I didn’t mind driving the car after that because it was no longer considered new. A lawnmower is another item I hate using new. They are always so shiny and new looking when you take them out of their boxes. The last one I bought was bright red with black shiny tires. After I carefully put oil and gas in it I was actually afraid to start it up in fear I might lose some of the luster of the machine. When I finally got the nerve to pull the chord I was actually terrified to put it near the lawn because the grass cuttings would make my new machine not new anymore. This insanity lasted for about two weeks. Because we were suffering through one of the wettest springs in years my new red lawnmower is now more greenish gray then red. I treat all new appliances the same way. The other day we purchased a new washing machine because our old one started to leak and no longer had the capacity to clean clothes. I loved that old washer. All I had to do was bring down a load of clothes, throw in some detergent, push one button and wait for my clothes to become clean. In order to run the new washing machine one had to have at least a master’s degree in computer technology. Looking at the display panel made one imagine they were about to run some sort of time machine that could take you into the past or future. All I wanted to do was clean my clothes. Since the old machine was simple to use I just pushed a bunch of buttons, added the detergent, and hoped the machine would start. The machine did start but because I had it set for maximum clean with steam heated water after the machine went through its spin cycle, which reminded me of some sort of NASA training unit I believe made the very foundation of my house shake the clothes I had put in the machine were no longer clothes. Instead I pulled out totally faded pieces of cloth that were destined to become rags. Heck, they were rags. A computer is another piece of equipment I hate using new. An old computer becomes a trusted friend. There is never a problem with finishing a project and it never let’s you down by losing a document or a program. The new computer was a lot faster. In fact it was so fast I could never find the work I had just finished. The machine put it in a folder that could only be found by that same computer tech who could successfully run my new washing machine. What bothers me most about new computers is they never have the ability to run the programs you used on the old computer. One has to love Bill Gates for this problem. I have been through every PC platform from the original Windows, through 1995 right up to Windows XP. I also have seven different programs that basically do the same thing. The only reason I keep them is to remind myself of how foolish we all are. There are many things in my life I wish would never grow old to the point they have to be replaced. A new job is one of these things. An old job is like an old pair of sneakers. If they fit well and cause you no grief you pray they will last forever. Walking into a new job can be quite exciting but you still hope you will one day have the feeling of security and total knowledge of what you are doing like the old job you just replaced. New-born babies are things I stay away from. I do this not because they are not cute and cuddly. I just don’t want to hurt them. Even my own daughter was relegated to be taken care of by her mother until she left the infant stage and became a baby. After that I loved playing with and taking care of her. I still do even though she is now 28. I hope she never grows out of that baby stage. I hate new probably because I am no longer new. I would hate to get used to a new me. I doubt if I would survive it for a second time! The End.
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