Copyrights reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on 'Copyrights' and read the details.Survival in a world of red wine imperialists by J. G. Fabiano As I wandered through the many parties I attended during the holiday season I often found myself caught up in conversations in which I had absolutely no interest. Maybe the lack of interest was my problem because, when I did try to say something, I was often ignored, as if what I had to say was of absolutely no interest to anybody else either. Eventually I fell back on doing what I do best, which is to sit quietly in a corner and watch. After a while I realized that the behavior of people could be broken down into two distinct groups, according to the color of the wine they were drinking. In other words, there were red wine personalities and there were white wine personalities. What I noticed about red wine people was that they were often the most opinionated. I watched them move in on any circle of people and change the entire atmosphere by taking control of the conversation. While one hand held a glass of Merlot they would, nevertheless, talk with both hands; the free hand jabbing and pointing at the air, the hand with the wine in it swaying back and forth without any regard to how much they spilled or whom they spilled it on. The white wine people were much more passive, they were the listeners of the group. They would often nod in agreement with whatever the red wine person was saying, hanging tightly onto their glass of Chardonnay, afraid to spill anything or say anything. The red wine people seemed to be brimful of confidence and, even if they had some misgivings about some of the preposterous statements that were coming out of their mouths, they would never let it show, so determined were they to impose their Alpha personalities on the crowd. After a while I realized that the white wine people weren’t so much impressed by the red wine people as they were tolerating them. It seemed the white wine people had a quiet confidence in themselves that the red wine people would never understand. Even though the white wine people continued to nod politely to the red wine pontificators it was clear they were not buying whatever was being sold. Soon I was also able to break the red and white wine people down into sub-groups. Even before they expressed their preference in wine I could tell by the way they dressed which of them was likely to choose a Riesling over a Cabernet. White wine people dress casually. The men seem to prefer khaki pants teemed with blue or black sweaters. Many of them wear sport jackets to give just a touch of formality. The women wear bright holiday colors or pretty pastels to match the holiday spirit. The red wine people dress as if they are at a stockholders meeting. The men prefer full dark suits, some with vests, and almost always with a red striped tie. They wear Rolex watches to flaunt their success and have perfectly manicured nails. The women usually wear designer dresses with elegant silk scarves and expensive jewelry as their most visible symbols of success. Almost without exception the red wine people conducted themselves as if they thought the white wine people were really red wine wannabees. Generally, the red wine people were also the loudest, as if saying something louder than anybody else automatically made them right. The white wine people would put up with this for a little while before making an excuse and peeling off to join another group, presumably to avoid getting a headache. Left with no audience the red wine people would then search for another group to crash. Another thing I noticed in my completely unscientific sociological study was that the white wine people nursed their drinks much longer than red wine people. In fact, a white wine person in a group often didn’t drink much of their wine at all but used the glass as some kind of prop while they socialized. But, the red wine people rarely held onto a drink for long. Their glasses would empty faster and, to make sure they were never without a ready source of replenishment, they often traveled in pairs, with one of them doing most of the pouring while the other did most of the talking. One of the most obvious differences between white wine people and red wine people was their age. The red wine person was usually older, more established and seemingly successful in their career. It also seemed to be important for the red wine person to demonstrate their success to all in attendance because they usually centered their conversation on a recent exotic vacation or a profitable investment that usually had to do with some pharmaceutical company. Whereas, I noticed that the conversation of the younger white wine person often had more to do with family milestones, current events and, sometimes, politics. This was unfortunate because, whenever the subject turned to politics, it gave the red wine drinkers, almost all Republicans, even more to talk about. I also noticed that, after a while, all this red wine imperialism must have had an effect, because the conversations of some of the white wine people concerned some future promotion or investment they hoped would pay off and lead them into the world of the red wine people. My observations were then interrupted by a voice that was even louder than everybody else in the room. Even worse, it was a voice I recognized and it was calling my name, ordering me to come on over because there were some things he wanted to talk to me about. I switched on my most polite party guest smile and did as I was told and my heart sank as I noticed he had switched from red wine to scotch! The End.
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