Copyrights reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on 'Copyrights' and read the details.The call of the modern cell phone by J. G. Fabiano I was standing at the checkout counter at Hannaford’s one Saturday morning waiting for my turn, daydreaming, when my all-too-often unconscious state was interrupted by a strange sound. The beep of the automatic checkout was overwhelmed by a muffled sound I couldn’t quite place, although it was slightly familiar. Then, a young woman, who was next in line, said she thought the sound was coming from me. I gave her an embarrassed laugh, took my cell phone out of my pocket, and, to no surprise, discovered the person trying to call me had hung up. After I put the phone back in my pocket we started to talk about how different cell phones had all started to sound alike. She said she missed her old phone, which played classical music every time someone called her up. I fact, she was able to change the tune from Beethoven to Bach by simply pushing a number. I told her that would drive me nuts because I would hate to hear classical music before I had to talk to someone who was anything but classical. I said I would be happy just to have a cell phone that would ring like phones used to ring in the distant past. The young woman stared at me and said she never knew cell phones could ring. I was then reminded how old I really was. Then I wondered it if might be possible to have the person making the call pick the music they wanted to play so the receiver of the call would know who the caller was from their signature tune. That way a person who loved country music could have Dolly Parton belt out ‘9 to 5’ if they wanted to let somebody know they were desperate to go for a drink when they got off work. Or, if it was somebody who loved heavy metal music, they could call the person on the other end by having Ozzy Osbourne yell obscenities into their ear. Which might be embarrassing if the person on the other end were at dinner with their in-laws at the time. I then suggested the possibility of phones sounding like one’s pet. Can you imagine being interrupted by the sound of a German Shepherd barking loudly from your pocket? Or worse, a Chihuahua yapping? Or how about the sound of a cat meowing so the owner would know if their pet was lonely? Just then a cell phone going off in the next aisle interrupted the conversation with my new checkout buddy. This person’s phone sounded like it belonged in a B-grade horror movie. A weirdly oscillating metallic sound that reminded me of the old "Twilight Zone" television series. The guy’s phone even looked odd because it was gold colored and had a screen that shone brighter than the lights in the grocery store. Its owner was a short, tubby, balking man who answered the phone by cupping it to his face and turning away from the people who surrounded him as if he did not want them to overhear what he was saying. Which struck me as strange because most people with cell phones strut around yelling in to them as if they wanted the whole world to hear what they were saying. I suggested to my checkout buddy that maybe this particular individual was some sort of alien who had to be beamed up to his master space ship at any second. We laughed and continued to survey the people around us. Sure enough, after a few seconds, another cell phone went off sounding like a modern day song one would hear on an AM station. Only this person actually did a little dance as she answered the phone. I had to wonder if there was a person on the other end or just music because the whole time the young woman had the phone to her ear she said absolutely nothing but continued to dance. I was also interesting to see how nobody ignored his or her cell phone when it went off. Whatever they were doing, they would stop, pick up the cell phone and answer it as if it had to be more important than anything else they were doing. Yet the conversations often didn’t suggest that. Sample: "Yeah, it’s me. I’m at the store. What? At the store. Yeah, that’s what I said; I’m at the store. What? I can’t hear you. Yeah, I’m at the store. I said the store. You know&ldots;shopping. I had to get some groceries. Yeah. No, there’s nothing in the fridge. Yeah, that’s why I’m at the store&ldots;.." I am convinced that if these same people were handling nuclear waste they would still drop everything in order to answer their phone and have just such an important conversation. We watched one sophisticated-looking woman picking out the perfect cantaloupe only to throw it back the instant her cell phone went off. Of course, after she did this, the perfect cantaloupe was no longer perfect. I remember once waiting at the deli counter. A young man who had been waiting with me for his number to be called had his phone go off right as the deli person was about to take his order. He immediately turned his back on the deli clerk to answer his phone and lost his turn in line. It was finally my turn to pay for my groceries while my checkout buddy started unloading her groceries onto the belt behind me. I was just about to leave when something weird happened – both our cell phones went off at the same time. We dared each other to answer first. The first three rings were the most difficult. After that both phones stopped ringing and the answering machine took over. As I walked away I heard my cell phone beep, telling me I had a message. A few seconds later I heard my friend’s phone do the same. I turned, told her we couldn’t win and went to retrieve my message while she did the same. Walking out to my car I heard phones going off all over the parking lot. I saw people sitting in their cars, talking on cell phones. I saw people pushing carts talking on their cell phones. And I saw people driving their cars, talking on cell phones, just missing the people who were pushing their carts while talking on their cell phones. All of them, no doubt, having essential conversations. Right before I got into my truck my phone went off again. I answered by asking what was so important that the great God of the cellular world couldn’t possibly wait until I had got home. My wife did not appreciate my comment. THE END
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