Copyrights reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on 'Copyrights' and read the details.For your Valentine, only the right thong will do by J. G. Fabiano
The holiday I enjoy most is Thanksgiving Day. I am not forced to go to the malls and look for presents for my loved ones. I don't have to hear weeks in advance what they want and what they don't want. All I have to do is show up for a remarkable meal that lasts for the whole weekend and associate with the people of the family I still like and who still like me. Christmas Day is a bit more difficult. I have to hit the malls in an attempt to buy the perfect gift so my wife and daughter can brag to the rest of the family and their friends how they have a caring and lovable father. I usually succeed in this task because, in reality, how hard is it to follow a list and a set of directions to the correct store? The one holiday I absolutely abhor is Valentine's Day. I am forced to buy overpriced plastic gifts to show that I really care. The bright red hearts with white doilies are cute but what is usually inside are candies left over from the Christmas holidays. So, where did this holiday come from? First celebrated by the ancient Romans in honor of Lupercus, god of fertility and husbandry, protector of herds and crops, and, of course, a mighty hunter of wolves, the Romans believed Lupercus would protect Rome from packs of hungry wolves. Since I haven't seen a wolf near my garden I don't believe this celebration is really necessary. The origin of St. Valentine's Day gets better. The Luperci priests draft some vestal virgins, I assume from somewhere in Vermont, to conduct purification rights by sacrificing goats and a dog. Since we have too many dogs in our neighborhood I am sure no one would notice if we lost one or two. Now this is where it starts getting good. The priests then don some loincloths made from the sacrificed goats and run around Rome, striking women with februa, which are thongs made from skins of the sacrificed goats. It was believed that the floggings purified women, and guaranteed their fertility. After watching too many overweight summer tourists strut their stuff along the beach in their februa, having a few of them flogged does not seem like a bad idea! February, which to the Romans meant a rite of purification, also prayed to the goddess Juno Februata who was the goddess of febris, which means fever of love and marriage. Of course in this part of the country February means, "freezing off one's butt." Anyway, small pieces of paper, each of which had the name of a teenaged girl written on it were put in a container. These small pieces of paper were called billet. The teenaged boys would then choose one billet at random. Then the boy and the girl whose name was drawn would join in erotic games at feasts and parties. After the parties they would remain sexual partners for the rest of the year. In this part of the world we call this a high school dance. In A.D. 494, Pope Gelasius renamed the festival the Purification of the Virgin Mary. Once again it seems obvious that religious fundamental concepts can mess up a perfectly organized and probably fun party. Then in A.D. 325 the church leaders wanted to get rid of all the pagan festivals of the people but, the Roman people, who were known to enjoy a good time, thought otherwise. Then, in A.D. 496, because the Church of Rome did not have the power or the will to get rid of this particular festival, Pope Gelasius changed the name to St Valentine's Day and decided to have it celebrated on the 14th of February. St. Valentine was one of the church's saints who in A.D. 270 was executed, probably for flaunting his februa. The church also changed the festival by, instead of having the names of girls go into the box, both girls and boys drew the names of "saints". I assume this was the first co-ed activity of the Roman church. Also, instead of enjoying whose name was retrieved from the box, the boy or girl had to emulate the life of the saint whose name he or she had drawn. I bet there was a whole bunch of Romans hoping they would pick the name Juno Februata. However, I still have the questions as to who was the first Valentine and what does Valentine mean. I am confident it does not mean: ‘ugly plastic red heart filled with stale and foul-tasting candy’. I looked it up and found out that Valentine comes from the Latin Valentinus, which means strong, powerful, and mighty. I don't see how holding onto two toy bears, whose lips stick together when you make them kiss, is analogous to strong, powerful, and mighty. The big red heart filled with candy seems to represent the perfect gift for Valentine's Day but, what does the heart symbol have to do with a day honoring Valentine? While we're on the subject, where the hell did Cupid came from?Actually, this makes more sense because it comes from the Latin verb cupere, which means, "to desire". Cupid was said to be the son of Aphrodite and was responsible for impregnating numerous goddesses and, every now and then, a mortal. I now understand why he is always depicted holding arrows. He was said to have both a cruel and happy personality. Doesn't take a psychologist to figure that one out. He would use his invisible arrows to strike unsuspecting men and women in order to make them fall in love. He did not do this for their benefit, he did it to drive them nuts with intense passion, to make their lives miserable, and to make them drive to the mall to buy something cheap for a remarkably high price. After gathering all my material about the origins and meaning of Valentine's Day I went to my wife and explained to her the absurdity of celebrating a Roman pagan ritual. She listened patiently to me and, when I had finished, went to the kitchen drawer, took out a list of Valentine's Day presents she and my daughter would like and a map showing me how to get to the stores that sold them. Only nine months to go until Thanksgiving Day! The End
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