Copyrights reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on 'Copyrights' and read the details.Dumb and dumber take their SUV’s out in the first snowfall by J. G. Fabiano It happens every time with the first snowfall of the season. This is a time when mature people who live ordered, sensible lives decide to become stupid and I’m assuming it has something to do with the lack of light or the change in temperature. However, after the first snowfall of the year most everyone rushes into their pickup truck or SUV in order to prove to themselves and the world that they are invincible. The other day there was a small snowstorm around mid-week. It was more a squall than a storm, but it put about two inches of snow on the road before everyone had to head out to get to work. I left at my normal time, which was a mistake because I should have known it was going to take me twice as long to get to school, but it seemed like such a little bit of snow. Needless to say I was wrong again! The drive down my road was tricky because it was very slippery and the town hadn’t plowed or put down any sand yet. I fishtailed at the first corner and, thus, decided to go into 4-wheel drive in order to hold the road. This worked out pretty well until I saw another truck coming from the opposite direction. He was attempting to make a turn onto Route One and failed miserably. I watched his wheels spinning as he slid. Since all four wheels were spinning I assumed he also had a four-wheel drive truck. But, since he threw his truck into the ditch with all four wheels spinning I assumed he had also discovered that four-wheel drive was not synonymous with supernatural powers. As soon as I slid out onto Route One I knew it was going to be a long journey to work so I took my time and drove behind a small, red Ford pickup that was also taking its time. Then the truck decided to stop in the middle of the road! In normal road conditions this would have meant the truck would screech to a halt and stop in its tracks. Because the conditions were far from normal, the truck started to spin in tight little circles down the middle of the road like a big red Frisbee and then sailed gracefully into the ditch. I glided up slowly and rolled down the window to see if the driver wanted any help. The lady at the wheel rolled her window down and proceeded to scream at me for following too closely, telling me it was my fault she was in the ditch and calling me names I never heard of before. I decided discretion was the better part of valor and kept on going. Driving further down Route One I knew I truly was in the land of the mad when I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw the bright lights of a huge, green truck bearing down on me. At first I thought it was a delivery truck until it got closer and I was it was one of the largest SUV’s in existence today; a Cadillac SUV no less. The driver must have been in a hurry because he came right up on my rear bumper and started flashing his lights: I guessed to make me either speed up or force me off the road. Except there was nowhere at the side of the road to pull over. So, I decided to slow down and let him pass. Apparently this did not help, because the driver, who must have been a card-carrying member of the Taliban, started blaring his horn. Squinting through the glare of his headlights in my mirror, I saw his big flashy grille like a set of snarling teeth that wanted to gobble my little truck right up. At last we came up on a gas station and I pulled over to let Caddy get by. I thought this would have made him happy but, apparently, it didn’t because all he did was lower his window, give the one-fingered salute, and use similar language as the lady truck driver who ended up in the ditch. I then worked my way back onto Route One and continued my journey without further incident until about a mile down the road when I noticed a large green Cadillac on its side in front of a McDonald’s Restaurant, wheels spinning in the air. As I glided slowly past I saw the driver was unhurt but, from the rapid contortions on his face, seemed to be using the same language on the Caddy he had just used on me. Enjoying this scene of instant retribution maybe a little too much, I opened my window and advised the driver to lay off the coffee. Then, as I rolled my window back up I heard a large bang as something landed in the back of my truck. After I got to school I discovered it was the side mirror from a Cadillac Escalade. After a good 45 minutes driving down Route One, I finally reached the ramp that led to I-95. Driving up the ramp I counted no less than six vehicles strewn around both sides of the road. I navigated my truck carefully so I could slide out onto this major highway without getting killed, unfortunately, there were other drivers trying to do the same thing, only much faster. I felt like I was trapped in a big bumper-car race at an amusement park. There were cars, trucks, SUV’s, and I think I even saw a motorcycle spinning past me like we were all caught inside a tornado. I though for sure I would see Toto and maybe the wicked witch of the West any second: Then I remember I left her back on Route One! All I heard was the screeching of tires, the banging of fenders, and the muffled screams of people telling other people to get out of the way even though they were the people who were in the way in the first place. By some miracle I escaped the chaos unscathed and slowly worked my way out onto the highway, leaving a scene of quite spectacular catastrophe behind me. There were only two of us who made it out of the drag race up the ramp: a little yellow Volkswagen and myself. I gave the driver of the Volkswagen a smile and a wave but I don’t think she noticed because she was laughing hysterically. The drive down I-95 was long and tedious. My truck continued to fishtail but I held it on the road, releasing the gas every time the tail of my truck decided it wanted to overtake the hood. All the way there were cars strewn along both sides of the highway, their drivers standing helplessly alongside, waiting for their tow, unable to understand why their state-of-the-art vehicles couldn’t hold the road. I resisted the temptation to open my window and yell out that nothing in today’s technology can hold the road when it is covered with packed snow. All those commercials of SUV’s breaking through snowdrifts were about as real as Santa Claus fitting in the average chimney. I arrived at school about an hour late. I was not alone because most everyone else was also just getting there. I found out later there were also multiple accidents in the parking lot because people had forgotten that winter driving is a bit different from driving at any other time of the year. Especially that first storm, when normal, mature people who live ordered, sensible lives decide to become stupid! The End
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