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Copyrights reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on 'Copyrights' and read the details. So, you think you’ve had a tough day! by J. G. Fabiano
"So you think you’ve had a tough day!" That was the only comment I could think of as I was asked to step aside by a police officer who wondered why I was wondering through the streets of Portsmouth. I was carrying an opened sleeping bag and two other pieces of baggage that looked as though they had barely survived a World War. I had just returned from a three-day seminar on Appledore Island in the Isle of Shoals. If anyone knows the island they would clearly understand that it is a marine laboratory run by the University of New Hampshire and Cornell University. The accommodations on the island are basic at best. This was a great way to end my summer because I didn’t have to worry about many of the basic necessities of life. In other words, I didn’t have to worry about changing my combination shorts, bathing suit, pyjamas, and underwear for three days. I wore the only shirt I had, one I knew that would never make it into my house on my return. I was also able to ignore basic routines of life like brushing one’s teeth or bathing. I was in my own form of heaven. I was also looking for a bit of isolation that my lack of personal hygiene literally guaranteed. On the way back from my three-day seminar I sat on the stern of the Gulf Challenger while the rest of my colleagues sat on the Bow and called my wife to pick me up at the fisherman’s pier near Prescott Park. Before I left I told her that we would be docking at the Isle of Shoals Steamship Company. This was a mistake but, of course, I was told this from a distance. Before I left I also told my wife that we would be docking at 6:30 pm. Since we were arriving a couple of hours earlier I hoped that I could contact my wife via my cell phone. My hopes were soon dashed. I tried a couple of times on the Challenger only getting my wife’s answering machine. Later I found out that she was shopping with some friends and the cell phone service I had would not work indoors. Hell, it barely worked outdoors! After we docked my group decided to walk into Portsmouth to wait for their rides. Overhearing their conversation, from a distance of course, they decided to go to a local watering hole and talk about what had happened over the past three days. After being told by three establishments that they weren’t opened yet, even though I observed some people inside, we found one and had a beer at the back of the bar. Way in the back of the bar! Everyone connected with his or her rides except me. I continued to get the answering machine. After explaining to one of my colleagues that I had given my wife the wrong time and place of our docking she advised that I should walk over to the Shoals Steamship Company because my wife was probably waiting for me there. I agreed, put my sleeping bag under my arm, grabbed my other two parcels and off, through the tourist area of Portsmouth, I traveled. The strangest thing happened on my trek through the city. As I was walking through the sidewalks in front of the beautifully manicured and quaint restaurants and shops of Portsmouth groups of people walking toward me would filter off into the shops. At first I didn’t think this odd until I realized that not one person passed me as I walked down the streets. I knew that there might be something wrong when I noticed a family of five literally dive into a shop advertising reading glasses. The possibility of an entire family needing glasses at the same time did not seem all that probable. I also observed that many of the people walking close to me were holding onto each other oddly closer than normal. Fathers and mothers of children literally grasped their offspring as though they were protecting them from some sort of an alien force. At first I laughed at myself thinking that I should have at least brought another shirt. But, then my sleeping bag decided to unroll itself as I passed in front of the Dolphin Striker Restaurant. Actually it didn’t just unroll it exploded out of its restraints. Because of the weight shift I literally lost balance and fell into the street. My two other bags catapulted their way into the sidewalk making everyone run into or across the street like the people of Japan did when Godzilla decided to visit. I attempted to get my composure but, because I was wearing sandals that hadn’t left my feet for the past three days and were welded to the bottom of my feet, this task became impossible. I found myself struggling to get up. When I finally regained my balance I became face to face with one of Portsmouth’s finest. He just looked down at me with that you-poor-pathetic-fool look and asked me if I was ok. I told him that I was fine at which time he helped me stand getting a full whiff of the scent that surrounded me. He quickly let go sending me once again into the streets of Portsmouth thanks to Newton’s Laws of Gravity. A crowd started to form around me. Not that they were standing close but they formed a kind of circle hoping that I would not replicate myself. The police officer then helped me gather my gear obviously holding his breath for as long as possible, and placed me back on the corner on the sidewalk. I smiled and thanked him but then he asked if I had been drinking. Remembering that I just had a 24 ounce cold one at a local pub I told him ‘No‘. This was a normal response going back to my college days. The officer then asked me for some ID. I grabbed into the pockets that did not exist on my combination shorts, bathing suit, pyjamas, and underwear and then followed this foolish move with an explanation that where I was did not necessitate any form of ID. The officer then asked if I had any money. I again explained to him that where I was for the past few days also did not necessitate the existence of money. He then went on to define the word ’vagrancy’ to me. At that point a man appeared wearing what could only be described as old rags, as if I should judge, and asked the police officer to leave me alone and that I had every right to walk around the streets of Portsmouth looking for people to help me. I then turned my head toward this individual and could only state ‘Thanks’. I don’t think this helped my situation! I then remembered that I had my cell phone tucked in one of the compartments of one of my bags. I explained to the officer that I couldn’t possibly be a bum because I had a cell phone. My new-found friend heard this comment and I am not sure of this but I think he spat at me. The officer accepted this defense, took the phone, and then asked what my phone number was. I must have looked like a deer mesmerized by the headlights of an oncoming automobile. I didn’t have a clue as to what my number was. It was now obvious that my brilliant defense had just fallen apart. My next form of defense was one that I have been using with my wife for the past three decades. I looked up at the officer with the most pathetic look I could possibly muster. He must have felt pity for me because he then suggested that he could drive me to the nearest shelter. This was very nice of him because I knew that he wasn’t looking forward to me sitting even near his cruiser. I then asked him if he could drive me to the Isle of Shoals Steamship Company where I hoped my wife was waiting for me. It was more than obvious that he wanted me off the street as soon as possible because I was destroying an image that took the Portsmouth Chamber of Commerce years to produce. I threw my stuff in the back of the cruiser and then jumped in with it. The officer then took at least ten full breaths of air, jumped in and proceeded to drive me to where I wanted to go. After he dropped me off and opened all the windows of his patrol vehicle my phone mysteriously rang. It was my wife telling me that she was in the parking lot and wondered where I was. I looked up and there she was inside the gate. I then limped into the parking lot, after I explained to the attendants that I did not plan to spend the night there, and met my wife. She then explained that she had a miserable day and that there must be something wrong with our cell phones because every time they rang nobody would be there. I just looked at her in my now famous blank look and told her that we would check hers out in the morning. Mine, on the other hand, found its way into the Piscataqua River. The End
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