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Copyrights reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on 'Copyrights' and read the details. How I saved the world and my wife never found out. By J. G. Fabiano
The last couple of weeks of school are always difficult for me. With final assignments needing to be corrected and the many award presentations, I rarely make it home for dinner at a normal time. The other day, after an athletic awards presentation, it was almost 10 p.m. when I got home and I was dog-tired. I knew my wife would not be in because, being a veteran of this time of year in the teachers' calendar, she goes out with friends to dinner or a movie. My wife left the front lights on because she didn't want me to run into the garage door again. The one electronic device I am comfortable with is my garage door-opener and to my absolute surprise it has worked without a glitch over the past six years. I have to admit I was tired when I walked into my house but I didn't think I was exhausted to the point that I would hear things. However, I did. As soon as I opened the door to the kitchen I heard a kind of whirring sound coming from the second floor. I stopped in my tracks and stared into the empty kitchen. My wife always leaves a light on in the kitchen because she doesn't want me to walk into something sharp or breakable. Standing in the doorway I noticed the sound seemed to be moving. It sounded like something dragging something across the upstairs floor. I thought of calling my wife's name but it occurred to me that by doing so, if whatever it was that was making the noise upstairs was unfriendly, it might decide to come downstairs. I then stepped quietly into the kitchen and carefully looked around. Everything seemed to be normal, except of course for the sound that was emanating from upstairs. The next thing I thought was that I should get some sort of a weapon before I went any further. My first instinct was to grab one of our chopping knives that has a blade about two feet long and six inches wide and which could probably decapitate a water buffalo, but then I put it back. I know how much my wife hates to clean up blood! Not having a gun, or any other kind of firearm, I grabbed the only really threatening looking item that was available at that time; my wife's hair dryer. She must have used it just before she went out. As I continued across the kitchen I saw my shadow and prayed that no one was in the house because I looked like I was carrying a 357 magnum. If an intruder saw me he would probably shoot first and ask questions later and I would only be able to return fire by giving him a blow wave. I walked slowly to the bottom of the stairs that led up to the second floor. What shocked me was that I now no longer heard just an odd sound but I could see a dim green light moving though the second floor of my house. It was not moving in any kind of straight line, it looked as though it was wandering throughout the bedrooms and my office. Sweat formed on my forehead and my knees turned to water. I tried to walk up the stairs without making any kind of a noise that would attract attention. After what felt like an eternity I reached the top of the stairs. I looked to my right where my office was and saw that whatever was in my house was now rummaging though my office. I then imagined that what had invaded my home was some sort of extra-terrestrial being that wanted to use my home and probably me as some sort of experiment, and one day soon I would be a headline in The National Enquirer: 'Schoolteacher abducted by aliens escapes and crashes flying saucer.' 'Why me,' I fretted, 'why me?' Creeping ever so quietly toward my office I realized that whatever had invaded my home was very small because the light was coming from something very close to the floor. The sound it made was clearly mechanical but it was also something I had never heard before. I took a breath and stepped into my office with hairdryer in hand, to confront the alien being. Looking down to where the light originated I came face to face with the creature from another world. The invader looked like a flying saucer except it was small and staring back up at me from the floor. It had what looked like a plastic shield in front of the disc but most of it was a silver color with a black back. It had three distinct white buttons on the top and a small green eye that scrutinized me without blinking. I noticed there was some sort of writing on the top of the disc in a language I did not recognize. It looked like it read "Roomba." I hoped that Roomba did not mean death to me. The alien moved suddenly towards me. Startled, I took a step back. I thought that maybe what was in front of me wasn't the alien at all but a probe from the mother-ship and somewhere there were thousands of little green Roombians watching me, wondering if they should blast me with their death ray. I was not going to give them that chance. I raised my foot over the evil machine and with all of my weight crushed it under my foot. The craft then made horrible screaming sounds as I kept on stomping it back into the galaxy from which it had come. It spewed out a kind of dust that might have been fuel and then I heard the outer casing crack and saw sparks fly outward as its force field shattered. It started to spin around in tight little circles in death throes I imagined were known only to the evil Roombians. After a few seconds the machine gave one last hissing sound then stopped in front of me. I knew I had killed it because the green light that had shone so brightly a few seconds ago flickered and then went out. My heart raced and I felt sweat trickle down my back as I came to the realization that I had not only saved my life but probably the lives of our entire planet. Then the phone rang! It was my wife. She told me she would be home in about an hour and that I should be careful when I went upstairs because she had just purchased a Roomba vacuum cleaner that automatically cleaned your floors while you were out. She said she couldn't wait to get home and see what kind of job it had done. Looking down at the smashed alien vacuum cleaner with most of its insides now spilled across the floor I told her that I would be careful. I then figured I had about an hour to get to the store, buy another Roomba and get it home before my wife got home. I cleaned up the mess, got rid of the evidence of my battle, and ran to the store to buy a new machine. I made it back with only minutes to spare, set up the machine and let it roam around upstairs until my wife came home. I told her I loved her new machine and what a terrific job it did. She then went upstairs to view its work and after a few minutes came down to tell me that something was odd. Holding my breath I asked her what was wrong and she told me she thought the vacuum cleaner she had bought was black and silver. The one upstairs was red. I gave her a puzzled look and shrugged my shoulders. "You must be tired," I said. "You should go to bed." The End
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