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How simple friendship can lead to urban genocide. By J. G. Fabiano Most people believe that the older they get the less competitive they are. That is until they get sucked into the trap, usually set by friends and relatives, that they have to move with the times; they have to change, they have to be&ldots;.progressive. A few years ago, okay, many years ago, when my wife and I wanted to go out to a movie and have a bite to eat we scraped together what change we could find, called some friends and had a wonderful night out. Whatever the bill at the restaurant we would simply split it with the tip and go on with our evening. At the show we would buy our own tickets and a snack, and let the evening unwind at its own pace. Sometimes, after the show, when we didn't want the evening to end, we would go for a drink or to somebody's house and have coffee and conversation. We would nearly always be home, and in bed, by midnight. Things were so much simpler then. Somewhere during the unraveling grand plan of my life, around about my forties I think, something happened to change all this. One misbegotten evening a friend decided to 'pick up the tab' at the restaurant. My life has never been the same since! Because this friend (look for his picture in the encyclopaedia under the word 'idiot') engaged in this irrational act of generosity I was then obligated to buy the tickets at the movie theatre so I wouldn't feel cheap. Then our friends felt obligated to buy the snacks. It was as though an evil force had entered our lives, an evil force called competitive reciprocity. One time, after the show, we argued over whose house we would go to for a drink. It became so intense we had to call a truce and go to a bar instead - only to have a new argument over who would pick up the tab. From that day on, anytime my wife and I went out with friends, we were forced into competitive reciprocity mode. I've never seen it discussed in books or agony columns but I know it to be a huge societal problem that nobody will talk about - because they don't want to look cheap. After those first few nights it was almost as if everybody was keeping score. Because our friends beat us by buying the drinks one night my wife thought we should take over an expensive bottle of wine on our next night out. I could see in our friend's eyes that we had 'upped' them before the evening had even began. The next time we planned to go out our friends brought an even better vintage in a bigger bottle! In no time the wine had evolved into champagne and the price tag was almost as expensive as the entire night out. The whole atmosphere of our nights out changed. During the meal nobody could relax because they were positioning themselves to grab the check. The act of paying had become more important than the purpose of the evening itself - which was supposed to be to relax and have fun. The older we got the more competitive we got. We also developed means to become better at it. One of our friends actually prepaid the restaurant by calling in his credit card. On other occasions a tip was given to the Maitre'd in order to ensure that the check would be given to the right person. Theatre tickets were bought in advance and presented before the evening was to begin. It was the buying of drinks before or after the show that was always a challenge. This was where the competition became the most intense. At the lounge someone had to make sure they positioned themselves at the door to enter first. This was extremely important if there was a cover charge. A quick payment always gave the competitor an edge. At the bar it became necessary to sit nearest the bar or at least be in a position at the table so that the waitress could see you first. This competitive reciprocity not only took over our weekend evenings out, it also overwhelmed family barbecues and sporting events. When someone had a summer gathering it was clear that the arrival of guest had become a secondary event. What each person brought determined their rank in this newest of competitions. Martha Stewart would have been proud of the types of exotic and expensive foods and beverages that were brought. Beers from countries George Bush has never heard of were given in order to achieve the status of being remembered at future gatherings. Of course the host was also part of this competition. Lavish bars were built in order to satisfy all thirsts and tastes. Delicious and exotic foods were spread around every possible inch of space to show that this was where the best outside party ever. I found myself pining for the days of a hot-dog or a burger on the grill, accompanied by an open bag of potato chips and all washed down by a few chilled cans of 'natty lite.' But then, truth is always the first casualty of war. At the end of the evening there would be a rush to see who would be first to invite the entire guest list to their house for the next barbecue. A theme became necessary in order to lure everyone over to his or her home. Some of these themes revolved around swimming pools, a horseshoe pit or a newly installed bocce' court. Now, there may be some reading this who would have assumed by now that it had to be the women who were driving this particularly vicious form of urban genocide. Not true. I'm sorry to say it was the guys! Whenever a group of men go to a sporting event it is pretty soon obvious that not all the competition is taking place on the field. The first round of beers is always important. It is an unwritten law that every guy in the group has to pay his turn at buying the beer. If it's a group with 20 guys it means you have to drink 20 beers before you can leave. In more recent times it has become acceptable practice to make one of these guys a designated driver. This is either a complete nerd who has been invited along only for this purpose or somebody's nephew who has been brought along to see how real men behave. Naturally there is a downside to competitive reciprocity. If one refuses to compete this is a challenge to the collective authority of the group, or 'tribe,' and can result in the banishment of the offending party. Worse, much worse, they are branded as cheap. It has to be understood that everybody is running a mental scorecard at these events and for one person not to pay their 'turn at the tab' or not to take their turn at hosting a ruinously expensive dinner party or a barbecue that takes a week to prepare is social death. The competition has become so intense that some of us have had to take out loans in order stay at the head of the pack. I have thought many times that all this good living and mutual generosity among friends is killing me. In fact, I've found myself wondering more and more lately if social death would not be preferable. Then at least I could go out for a beer and a burger and have a good time for under ten bucks! The End
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