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Backyard barbecue and the truth behind the big bang. By J. G. Fabiano
The summer season ushers in many familiar traditions. The beaches fill with sun-lovers, the parks fill with Frisbees and the air overflows with the smell of steaks and hamburgers sizzling on barbecue the length and breadth of our fair town. I have always loved to cook outside during the warmer months of the year. The only problem is that every time I pick up a spatula and head for the great outdoors I seem to come up with an inventive new way of killing myself. As long time readers of my tales will know, I am one of those men who has never shown any ability whatsoever to learn from experience. I just think that makes me typical. My first experience with cooking outdoors was when I lived in an apartment, I was newly married and I wanted to show my impressionable young wife that I was a pretty handy kind of a guy, with a suave and cosmopolitan air. So, I purchased a small Hibachi-style grill, some charcoal briquettes, and some lighter fluid. The fire I started actually required the fire department to put out and it took us a year to pay for the damage to the balcony. My wife pleaded with me never to attempt to cook outside again! In a couple of years we decided we wanted to start a family and so we bought a house and moved out of the apartment. About a year later I found myself a proud father, a proud homeowner, and the proud owner of my first real barbecue grill. It was big and black and had a large round dome on top of it so it kind of looked like a nuclear reactor. My wife was frightened I might burn down our new home but I told her I was much more knowledgeable and mature. She shook her head and took our infant daughter to the far side of the house and waited. Despite her forebodings, my first experience with this particular grill was not quite as spectacular as the one with the Hibachi, but it did show me that the larger the grill, the hotter the fire. Being a science teacher I was fascinated to discover that I may have disproved the Law of Conservation of Matter, which states that matter cannot be created or destroyed. I know I put a couple of steaks on the grill and after a mere 45 minutes of cooking they had both disappeared. My conclusion was that it was probably a better idea to keep an eye on what one was barbecuing, instead of watching a Red Sox game. After a few dozen more brushes with failure I somehow convinced my wife to allow me to buy our first gas grill. I assured her that this was a newer, safer, more foolproof type of grill that made grilling an easy task, even for me! Reluctantly she agreed and we brought home our first non-lighter fluid outside cooking device. It also cost the same amount as a small car! The only problem was that I had to put the thing together. The manual said it would take 45 minutes to assemble. The author of the manual rubbed salt into the wound by stating that even a child could put it together. A couple of days later, after calling on the help of my brother-in-law, the grill was ready to use. I turned on the gas and waited a few minutes, like the instructions had told me to do. I then pushed down the red automatic starter button on the side of the grill and learned why the button was a brightly colored red! My error, it appeared, was that after I turned on the gas and the grill I forgot to open up the cover of the grill. I have no clear recollection of what happened next except there was a loud bang, a rushing noise in my ears, and I found myself sprawled on my butt at the side of the house. The cover of the grill ended up 50 feet away in my neighbor's yard and I found myself promising my wife that, yes, I would immediately repair all of the windows that had been blown out on the side of our house. I am happy to report, however, that I did not have to call on the assistance of any municipal service or to replace my deck. To my surprise the grill never worked again. I thought of taking it back to the store but I knew it would have been difficult to explain why the cover of the grill had lost all its shape and color, and, because the grill no longer had a bottom I thought it best to eat my losses. A few years later I again convinced my wife to allow me to buy a new gas grill. I told her grill technology had been perfected and I promised to go a step further and read the instructions this time before igniting it. For some reason she gave in and I was once again in possession of a mighty gas-powered grilling device. This time I was smart, I paid extra to have the store build the grill. I proudly loaded it into my truck, set it up on our deck, and was ready to cook perfect hamburgers. To my surprise - and the surprise of my wife- I succeeded and, for the next few months I was a grilling fiend. I bought all of the utensils necessary to be considered a barbecue professional, an apron with a dumb motto on the front and a grill cover that would allow me to cook deep into the winter season. The cover didn't survive its first nor'easter! Still, I grilled deep into November. I even attempted to cook some hot dogs in December until the temperatures plummeted and my grill froze shut. Spring took an eternity to arrive but as soon as the snow had melted from the deck I was out there with my barbecue utensils, my dumb apron, and some hamburgers to celebrate the new season. When I opened the grill I was shocked to see that aliens had taken it over. The briquettes swarmed with small black robotic-looking insects that had obviously established an important new colony for their species. No problem, I thought, the first good barbecue blaze would see them off. I lit the grill and waited for the bugs to flee or fry but they did neither. They were completely unaffected by the fire that engulfed them. For a moment I thought I might have genetically engineered some kind of super-bug that was destined to take over the planet - and I would be blamed for it. so I decided to let the grill burn for a couple of hours to see if that got rid of the little buggers. I actually let it burn too long because the top of the grill warped and the grates that were supposed to hold the food melted! I let the grill cool overnight and went out the next morning to see if I was successful in my quest to rid my grill of its uninvited guests. I had failed, they were still there. In fact, there seemed to be more of them. I think they thrived in the warmer temperatures. So, I did the only thing I could do. I threw the grill away and purchased a new one. By this time my wife had given up trying to reason with me because she knew I was an addicted barbecuer and this time I purchased the Cadillac of all grills: I became the proud owner of a new Webber. This grill had no lava stones and was guaranteed for life. My wife asked me whose life they were talking about. I set it up on our deck and took out some magnificent swordfish steaks for our first barbecue of the season. I had also read the instructions closely so as not to make the slightest mistake. I turned the gas on, lifted the top, and once again pushed down that red button. My neighbor said later he thought I had accidentally detonated a small thermonuclear device on my deck. Apparently a huge, flame-tinged mushroom cloud rose high above the house and the sound of the blast rattled every window in the neighborhood. I don't exactly recall what happened because I regained consciousness a moment later in the garden, dazed and singed and surrounded by chunks of blackened swordfish. I was told by the store that the mini-explosion had nothing to do with anything I had done and that this time there actually was a problem with the grill. They wanted to give me a new one but my wife threatened to divorce me and I had reluctantly come to the conclusion that outdoor cooking was not something I was destined to do. I have since learned the George Foreman electric grill makes hamburgers almost as good as any outside grilling device. I just wish it wouldn't shock me all the time! The End
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