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Zen and the art of spring home maintenance. By J. G. Fabiano
Some of the most enjoyable activities of spring have little or nothing to do with any logical thought process. During the seemingly endless days of winter our minds have a tendency to zero in on what we think matters, to plan for the future, to worry about things that we absolutely must do when the weather improves. Then, as soon as spring loosens winter's grip we flee from our homes to do things we know are absolutely unimportant. One of my favorite mindless activities is mowing the lawn. I actually become excited about taking my lawnmower out for its first excursion through the yard. This lasts about five minutes until I realize I'm going to be doing this every week for the next six months, then I feel depressed. My next step is to embrace the Zen of mowing. While I am mowing the lawn, the lawnmower is my guru and its rhythmic thrashing my mantra. I enter a void in which the lawnmower drowns out all other sounds. My mind becomes a complete blank and I don't really have to think about anything, which is very restful. If wives knew that their husbands actually enjoyed some aspects of lawn mowing, they'd probably try to put a stop to it, so the idea is not to look too blissful so they don't feel they have to come outside and talk to us. Every now and again I am jerked back to reality as I swerve to avoid a monstrous pile of doggy doo in the grass, which is annoying because we don't have a dog. Or something will catch in the blades and there will be a horrible crunching, gnashing, shrieking sound and I hope it is a piece of wood and not a squirrel! Otherwise I don't think about anything at all when I mow my lawn. Some people tell me they think about their plans for the upcoming week, or they try to work their way through some problem that is bothering them. I, however, think of absolutely nothing, and I do this effortlessly. Another springtime activity that is on the same Zen plain as mowing the lawn is raking up the cuttings afterwards, except it requires a certain fatalistic tolerance for pain. This is a chore that has to be done promptly because spring grass grows faster than bamboo and, after it is cut, all that is left are mountains of cuttings that would kill the lawn faster than the grubs can eat it. Every year before I cut the lawn for the first time I buy a pair of garden gloves that will help keep some of the feeling in my hands after I rake the lawn. I always buy them a week before I do the first mowing only to discover, on the day, that I can't find them. After I put the rake away and wrap my blistered and bloodstained hands I always find them in the place I put them so I wouldn't lose them. If anybody needs a couple of dozen pairs of almost new garden gloves just give me a call. Another necessarily mindless activity is fertilizing the lawn. This actually takes a little bit of thought because if you miss the line made from the spreader on one of your sweeps through the lawn your grass will look striped. Every year before I begin the process I tell myself that I will push my spreader both vertically and horizontally in order to spread the fertilizer evenly. Every year I tell my wife that the striped appearance of our lawn is something to be proud of. I don't think she believes me. The good part about fertilizing is you only have to do it three times a year. At least this is how I approach it. The first excursion is supposed to fertilize the grass, the second excursion is supposed to take care of the dandelions and the third excursion is supposed to take care of the grubs. Needless to say my excuse to my wife is that the yellow blossoms embedded stubbornly between the multi-colored lines in my lawn are an expression of my independence. As for the grubs killing sections of the lawn, I tell her it is a good idea to replace one's lawn at least five times a decade. Again,I don't think she believes me. Another mindless activity in spring is washing the windows of the house. The nice part about this chore is that it only has to be done twice a year. The hardest part is assembling the materials necessary to complete the task. There are also two requirements before beginning. First of all you should never wear loose clothing. This is because if you ever jam a loose sweatshirt into a jammed window it is literally impossible to remove the shirt from the window. A couple of years ago I did this to a window in my office. To this day my wife keeps asking me why I have this same sweatshirt neatly folded on the windowsill. I keep telling her that it has nostalgic value. One should also never wash their windows on a windy day. The spray from glass cleaner has the capacity to burn off the outer layers of one's face. Washing the car is another of those activities that takes little intellectual effort. My wife keeps her car in perfect order whereas my truck looks like a truck is supposed to look. The last time I cleaned the inside of my truck I discovered it came with car mats. I also discovered a set of keys that I lost a few years ago; they went with a truck I had to turn in because I couldn't find its keys. As to how they ended up in the new truck is one of those mysteries of life that are destined never to be solved. Tilling the garden is another of those spring chores that need little thought. The most important part of this task is making sure that you are on the right side of the tiller. This may sound a bit foolish but not that many years ago I started a rented tiller in front of what I thought was the back of the machine. The machine attacked, I jumped out of the way and I only caught up with it as it ate its way through my neighbor's flowerbeds. So, another spring has sprung and the mindless chores of the season await. My wife likes to remind me about the disasters of past seasons and tells me to use some forethought before I start. I tell her that would defeat the entire purpose of these chores. My wife doesn't understand Zen thinking!
The End
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