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Copyrights reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on 'Copyrights' and read the details. How only a man can ruin the best secret in a woman's life. By J. G. Fabiano
I learned a long time ago that life is fickle! One minute everything is going along splendidly and the next minute your whole life has been turned upside down by something you did that was unbelievably stupid because you're a guy and you don't know anything. I was minding my own business at home the other day when my wife told me my daughter's boyfriend was on the 'phone. I didn't think anything odd about it except that he had never asked to speak to me on the 'phone before. I took the 'phone and said hi and he said hi and how was I doing? I told him I was doing fine and I thought how he has never addressed me by name, any name, he usually just starts talking as if he doesn't know what to call me. He then paused and there was a long silence as I waited for him to tell me what it was he was calling about and my alarm indicator started to flash brilliant red. My daughter is living in Boston now, she has been on her own for some time but she is still my daughter and my wife and I are condemned to worry about her for the rest of our lives. He then told me he wanted to ask if it was alright for him to marry my daughter. For a minute I had no idea how to respond. So, I asked him if he thought we lived in Iraq and if he preferred a cow over a pig for a dowry? I have absolutely no idea why I said that but the immediate effect was for my wife to smack me over the back of the head. I immediately gave my wife the phone and she continued the conversation, during which she put her hand over the mouthpiece and told me I should have acted more excited. But, I couldn't act excited because I was in shock. I want to make something clear here. I like the guy. He works hard and he treats my daughter well. But, that doesn't mean I can't go into shock! As my wife continued the conversation, this time with my daughter, I started to feel guilty. I knew I should have shown some enthusiasm. I decided to make it up to them by going to my office upstairs to e-mail everybody in my address book that my daughter was now engaged. My address book covers two continents and has more than 200 names in it and I knew that by doing this I would show everyone in the world how happy I was with my daughter's engagement. This did not take long because modern technology allows one to communicate with the whole world in an instant. I then went back to my wife to tell her and my daughter the good news. As my wife saw me coming back downstairs she looked up from the 'phone again and told me not to tell anybody about the engagement because it was still a secret. I knew I had a limited number of options as I stood there on the stairs with my mouth open: I could tell my wife I had just told the whole world, which would be like asking her to hit me over the head with a frying pan, which she has so far managed not to do in our marriage, or: I could dive off the stairs, break both my legs and maybe win the forgiveness of my wife and daughter, or: I could looked confused and ask my wife who she was and what was she doing in my house? Many things flashed through my mind in those few seconds, none of which were good. So, I took the man's way out. I opted not to say anything. I knew my wife and daughter would find out sooner or later but right then later appealed to me a whole lot more than sooner. For the next few hours I was obliged to sit on the couch with my wife and watch every wedding show on television, all the time, waiting for the 'phone to ring with my death sentence in the form of some excited relative or friend offering their excited congratulations to the mother of the bride to be. Cable television is a truly wonderful invention. At any one time there are half a dozen cooking shows, fashion shows, catering shows, and, of course, wedding shows. My wife, being an expert in the art of changing channels, was able to view them all. Once, during the afternoon, my wife asked if I was alright because I was sweating. I told her I might be catching a cold. Then the inevitable happened. My daughter called back and told my wife I had e-mailed all the known universe with the news. A cold and terrible silence filled the room. "Honey, look at this wedding gown here," I said, staring desperately into the TV screen. "It's really beautiful and really, really expensive but I think maybe we could afford---" "How could you?" my wife stopped me in a voice that has been known to freeze birds in flight. Trapped in a room with no exit except past my wife I had to tell her the truth - I was so excited at the news that I had e-mailed the known world before I knew it was a secret. Unfortunately for me my wife and daughter are both women and this did not work. I got on the phone with my daughter and the first thing I noticed was even the handset felt cold. "How could you?" my daughter asked. "Hey," I said, trying to get her to see the humor in it, "it was really quite easy---" A week has passed since then and my wife and daughter have started talking to me again. I'm also still watching a lot of wedding shows on TV. I think I might even be allowed to attend my daughter's wedding if I promise to stand at the back and keep my mouth shut!
The End
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