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Copyright reserved. No part(s) of this publication may be reproduced, transmitted, transcribed, stored in a retrieval system, or translated into any language in any form by any means without the written permission of the author. The Remy -4207 By James G. Fabiano For the past few weeks I've been talking myself into not missing a single day on my new exercise bike. It seems that over the past decade or so my age wasn't the only statistic that has been increasing. Both my weight and waste-line have more than kept up with my increased years. What made my newfound stockiness even worse was that my wife decided to become involved with aerobic exercise. She lost all the weight that age was supposed to give her. During the past few months our friends began calling me my wife's picture of Doreen Gray. But, unlike the picture, I'm not only getting older; I am also getting wider. On the grounds, that I did not want to become the new, "Laurel & Hardy", comedy team, I decided that it was time to compete with my wife for the most weight loss in one's lifetime. At first, I joined her in the never-ending array of diets. My favorite was entitled, "The Toot Soup Diet". It consisted of eating water vegetables for a period of 7 days. I never made it past the third day because my colleagues at work asked me to either tie a bottle of perfume to my pants or get the heck off the diet. Guess where the title to this diet comes from? Other famous diets included the three-day miracle diet that canceled Einstein's theory that time was constant. The starvation diet that always ended up having you gain at least three pounds and the ever popular, "all you can eat diet", which ended up costing me the price of the book plus five pounds. After failing on diet after diet and having a net gain in weight, I decided to exercise off that extra bulk. Exercise is obviously an important beginning for the health conscious adult. Many exercise systems have come and gone. For example, the high energy aerobic plan which does succeed in getting rid of that extra weight, but also has the side effect of crippling one for life. Swimming is a successful means of losing weight. But, when you only have an outside pool or the ocean to swim in, that possibility loses its attractiveness in winter. Competitive games like racquetball and inside tennis are also great ways to get rid of that unwanted bulk but, the younger generation has a way of embarrassing us older citizens into hiding in our homes. Just before the holidays, my wife and I went shopping for the ultimate exercise machine. We looked at everything from rowing equipment to various types of single wheeled bicycles that guaranteed weight loss or your money back. One bike company even claimed that if you didn't lose weight in the first week, the company would take both you and your wife to the restaurant of your choice. I then noticed the ultimate in weight loss bicycles. There it stood, behind all the mountains of weights, bars, rowing machines, and various isometric devices. The REMY-4207. It was a beauty. It had a s-shaped black vinyl chair. The front of the machine had a large black disk with bicycle pedals attached. The body of the machine was white which perfectly offset the black giant disc. It was the style of exercise machine that allowed you to exercise and have a beer at the same time. What impressed me most about this particular machine was the computer panel that was placed directly in front of the rider. It showed how fast you were going, how long you were riding, how many calories you burnt off, and how many projected calories you would burn off in one hour. Being a toy-lover from way back, I had to have this exercise bike. I tried to convince my wife that if I bought this newest of toys, I could have the body of Rambo within a few short months. "Think of the future medical bills I could save if I have the foresight to purchase this bike." I exclaimed in the hopes that my wife would let me have my way. I finally convinced her by agreeing that she could spend a similar amount on anything she wanted. The bike was delivered the next morning. I decided, against the very loud complaints of my almost hysterical wife, that I would place the bike in the family room. I told her that it was the only logical location because I could watch the news and become beautiful at the same time. My first exercise session was one of total confusion. I set the bike to the lowest workload and set the time to the minimum 20-minute period. At first, I thought the bike was broken because none of the controls would register. After reading the operating manual I discovered the "on" switch. After completing the twenty-minute period, I ran into the bathroom to find out how much weight I had lost. A pound. I lost a pound. Sylvester Stalone, here I come. The next few weeks saw the newness of the exercise bicycle evolve from exciting too tedious. Because I didn't want to hear, "I told you so!" from you know who, I refused to go off schedule. So there I was, exhausted from a full day at work and begrudgingly walking toward my bike. Other than my wife, the only thing that kept me going was that twenty minutes was not that long. My wife was in the laundry room and my daughter was at her friend's house doing what teens are supposed to do. Over the past few weeks I had not lost much weight because my intake of calories had doubled. But my legs did feel stronger and I did feel healthier - almost younger. I sat down on the REMY 4207, switched on CNN, and off into nowhere I rode. Of course, at that precise second I didn't know how close to reality that statement was. My ride started like all of my rides had over the past few weeks. At the start my legs began to ache and then loosen up within the first two minutes. I felt pretty good, so I decided to increase the rpm's and thus my potential weight loss. If I kept up this pace, I thought, I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about that extra cup of ice cream after dinner. Slowly my peripheral vision began to blur. First it wasn't that noticeable and I thought that some sweat must have dripped into my eyes. But, it became more obvious as time went on. It was not subsiding so I decided to slow down and get off the bike. I thought that this loss of vision must be exhaustion or maybe some sort of vitamin deficiency. As I slowed down the blurred vision started to get worse. In fact, I was losing my sight. With this loss, I also lost the capacity to breathe. Not knowing what was going on, I sped up the bike that had the effect of reducing the loss of sight and enabled me to catch my breath. Now I was starting to worry. Like my sight, my hearing was becoming thwarted. I could only hear the whirring of the bike. By this time, my peripheral vision was completely blurred, only allowing me to focus on what was directly in front of me. When I attempted to call my wife, I was terrified to discover that I couldn't make any sounds. It was as if I was imprisoned within myself. Is this what a heart attack or a stroke feels like? Is this the big one? With my loss of senses and thus my surroundings, could I have fallen off the bike in the mortal world? Is my wife crying over me in panic because my life was ending? If this was happening, I didn't witness it because all I could see was a pinpoint clarity directly in front of me. Again I tried to slow the bike down with the same result of making my condition worse. Everything started to turn black. As soon as I sped the bike up some light came back into focus. Past panic, I had no idea of what to do. Should I just stop? But, in doing this I realized that my whole world would come to an end. If I kept on peddling, where was I peddling? This was when I noticed the pinpoint size light that appeared in the little bit of horizon I was allowed to see. Squinting, I noticed that my peripheral blur seemed to be traveling at great speeds. It was as if I was moving though space at a great velocity. That was impossible. I'm not moving. But, what am I doing? Where am I? Could I have arrived in the between the now and after life? The only thing that I was sure of was that I probably would reach the answer soon. The blur then became streaks of colors that made my speed feel even more intense. Because the pin-like light in front of me was all I could focus on, I was becoming mesmerized by how clear it appeared. Then a shock spread through my assumed dying body. The light was growing larger. I then realized that I was traveling toward it. This must be it. This must be where I am spending my eternity. I understood that a fear of the unknown is the most intense type of fear one can experience. My eyes fled the approaching light and stared into my suspended arms. |
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