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Copyrights reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on 'Copyrights' and read the details. A Dieter's Nightmare by J. G. Fabiano Since the early part of this year I have been trying to lose some weight and keep the extra bulk off. Since my wife has always been in perfect shape and retained the perfect weight I thought it best to not represent a new version of Beauty and the Beast. However the holiday season represents a dieter's hell in that the most remarkable types of food are perpetually thrown at you. At any other time of year, work represents a time and place where one can stay on a low calorie diet that includes dry turkey sandwiches on a bun that have more air in them then bread. On a good day it includes a bag of "Pirates Booty" that looks and tastes like something one would use to protect something that has to be mailed. I still bring this same lunch with me but during this time of year as soon as I arrive at work I am bombarded by every type of goodie made for and by mankind. The teachers' room is filled with cakes, candy, and colored items I can't categorize. The people who bring this food in are seen by their presents coaxing people into trying what they must have spent hours producing. If I ever state the horrifying statement, "No thank you", I will be condemned to cold stares for the rest of the New Year. Another problem with this time of year is that my wonderful and talented Debbie makes sugarcoated cashews, pecans, and peanuts to give out to friends and family. She also makes her own brittle that overwhelms any other type of confection that is found in the stores. The scent of my house during this time of year keeps me in a perpetual state of salivation. It is so remarkably wonderful and strong that I swear I put on a few pounds by only enjoying the smell. When I finally break down to try a little bit the damn breaks and the reality that there are not enough nuts in the world to satisfy my need is proven correct. The holiday season is a time when many people come over to visit. This is one of the reasons I enjoy this time of year, but, because of the holiday, they always come over with something to eat. They never bring over diet foods. The foods they bring are filled with more calories than the entire population of Slovenia could imbibe in an entire month. Like my colleagues at school if I would ever not enjoy what they bring I would never see these people again. Not that this would be a bad thing for some of my relatives but this is another story. Presents are usually something that you can eat. Chocolate is a favorite. Not the type of chocolate that has few calories and tastes like the cardboard they are stored in. I am talking about the real chocolate that oozes with oils and melts in your mouth to coat your entire insides with sugars that will soon be synthesized into fat. Spirits are another favorite gift this time of year. This is not a bad thing unless you consider the facts that low-calorie wines and cordials do not exist. In fact, the only alcohol I can think of that does not put on weight is rubbing alcohol. These drinks are thick with sugar and taste like liquid milkshakes and melted candy. One can't taste the alcohol but one can definitely feel what it does to you the next day. Egg Nog is a favorite this time of year. It is usually filled with brandy or rum. This is the only beverage that has the capacity to expand one's love handles the second it reaches one's stomach. Parties and dinners are held throughout this holiday season. As soon as Thanksgiving is over one has little time to attempt to lose the bulk that was put on during that holiday when the capacity to acquire new bulk is right around the corner. There are Christmas shopping parties, office parties, lets visit our relatives that we haven't seen in a year parties, Christmas week parties, Christmas Eve parties, Christmas Day parties, and Christmas leftover parties. Christmas is over in a microsecond and then the cycle immediately begins again with New Year's celebrations. These come on quick and are culminated by the grandfather of all parties at the turn of the New Year. This is the most difficult of all eating frenzies of the past few weeks. This Felini style banquet not only has any leftovers from the previous week but also has new and even more addictive foods produced out of the kitchens of people who consider it a challenge to see whose dish will be devoured first. Of course being the husband of one of the competitors, or I should say combatants, I quickly overload my dish with my Debbie's scrumptious concoctions of highly-caloric food of the Gods but, since we are a close family, I am also committed to trying all of the other foods and desserts that fill the table. By 10:00 everyone at the party is usually so filled with food and beverage that the possibility of staying awake for the new year is the same as seeing my waste size become a "32" again. In fact, the last time I was awake during the crowning of a New Year was sometime during the Nixon administration. Like I have done every year since, the holiday season has meant more than Santa Claus and the receiving of gifts. I will be found during the early morning of January 2, with my eyes shut tight standing on my bathroom scale hoping that some sort of a miracle, that compares to the holy grail, has occurred A miracle that has me gaining an amount of weight that can be eliminated sometime before the July 4th weekend. As my eyes are closed I remember all of the goodies that were stacked high in the teacher's room, my wife's remarkable candies and nuts, the multiple visits by family and friends, the delicious foods of the season, and the non-stop flowing of spirits at all of the holiday parties. Then I open my eyes to be shocked by the fact that my stomach makes it impossible to see the numbers on the scale. I suck my newly acquired gut in and stare down at numbers that I never thought I would see again. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that the holiday season only comes once a year. The End
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